hope

30 days of complete hell.  I won't even try to sugar coat it.  For around 30 days I prayed for death to take me.  In my mind, there was no hope.  I would never live a life with joy ever again.  My amazing husband is such a fantastic dad. It made perfect sense to me that I could go be with CJ, and he would be here with our girls.  Then eventually we would all be together. The absence of hope had me googling the stack of prescriptions I was on to figure out the best lethal dose.  I was popping pain killers on top of antidepressants on top of anxiety meds.  Fevers persisted for a few weeks. I remember reading the pamphlet to an antibiotic I was on and seeing it was used for chlamydia and cancer patients.  That convinced me I was dying anyway.

Without hope, life stopped.  The woman/mom/wife/sister/daughter/friend I once was disappeared. Family awkwardly watched me struggle, not understanding the changes happening to me. Some friends decided to give me "space".  Very few had the courage to show up at the house and let me cry and share pictures. Those few were my angels. They started to reintroduce hope back into my life.

A new circle of friends began to emerge.  Friends on fb who would let me ramble online at 2am,  a woman from our church who had a similar loss 30 yrs ago,  and my mentor/babyloss buddy Kayleen who often read multiple long rambling emails from me full of despair and anger. This became my support system.  And I slowly began to let hope wiggle its way back into my heart.

One day I collapsed in Nate's arm sobbing for the life we once had.  I told him how desperately I feared the laughter would never return to our home. That all hope for us was gone.  The next day, we brought home a puppy. The girls were giggling and making silly videos of the ball of fur running all over the house. I heard myself laugh, and as tears ran down my cheeks full of confused emotion, Nate hugged me and whispered through his own tears "see... the laughter is back. don't give up hope".

I didn't. I won't.  I will continue to fight for every glimmer of hope. I will #doitforcj