We laughed last night. We do this often despite what many might think. Not just a giggle, but laughed until our eyes teared. It was over something stupid at 2am, so chances are it was out of pure exhaustion. But those little moments remind me of us.
Grief sucks. It is a temperamental rain cloud that hovers. People who bump into us must see it from a mile away because their discomfort is palpable. I'm ok with that for now. Some days I get annoyed when people seem to handle me extra carefully, but the truth is I still need it. Talk about frustrating... To NEED the world to gently walk around you.
Yesterday we went to make some final decisions on CJ's headstone. That hurt. My hubby and I had made the majority of the decisions, but I took our youngest 2 daughters to finalize and make a few simple changes. My mindframe: In and out. 15 min max. I charged in there like a bulldog.
Instead our salesman Jason was a welcomed blessing. For over 2 hours he tweaked our plans on the computer to show the girls every option imaginable. He flipped images backwards, played with scripts until I couldn't see straight, and made sure every tiny detail was exactly what we wanted. While he spent so much time with us, he teased and joked around with the girls, politely ignored my tears, and never became impatient. We left smiling. Imagine that...we left smiling and joking with eachother after all that time picking out CJ's headstone.
Jason was my angel yesterday. I was at a low point and hurting. He was sent into my path to remind me that we will be ok. Laughter in the most sorrowful times can be healing, even if tears are falling through the giggles.
Today was difficult. The day after dealing with anything CJ related usually is. Tears fell several times and I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Then it hit me. We need to do more.
So I made contact with a local group that holds social events for mentally challenged kids and adults. The wonderful director cried when I told her our story and asked if she had any use for volunteers. I'm excited to get involved and honor my little boy. I'm sure there will be moments of tears, but also laughter.
Thank you to everyone who has been my angel. Everyone who has understood how to tiptoe around me, but still yank me back into living. I love you! Please don't give up on me! I was warned today that my kidnaping involving drinks and laughter is eminent. Thank God! ;)
#doitforcj
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