A few months after we lost little CJ, I turned 40. Ouch. What did that involve? Cards from my kids and husband and a nice lunch date. But the rest of the world? Nothing.
My parents sent me a text message. Seriously. And that was that. In what I am assuming was an attempt to avoid upsetting me, the people closest to me pretended the day simply didn't happen.
When you loose a baby in your 20s or even 30s, the assumption that you can have more babies floats in the air. 40 is another story. The condolences and messages of love are laced with a feeling of finality. A complete chapter has been written and concluded. Nobody gives you hope for another chance.
I'm 40, and honestly I'm ok with that! I have a wonderful husband, and 4 beautiful children who I am so very proud of. That doesn't mean that I'm ready to be still, and it definitely doesn't mean my story is over.
A counselor described the grief of losing a child as the equivalent of recovering from chemo. You have been bombarded with toxins to the point of near death. At the end you are left feeling empty and beaten and forced to somehow build yourself back up. The alternative is to wallow in that horrible toxic existence.
For now I need to spend 40 taking better care of myself. Mind, body, soul. All are still coated in toxins that are preventing me from the next steps in life.
Writing here is a big part of collecting my thoughts/clearing my mind. By putting it all down, my mind is less burdened. Even if it's to an audience of 2, I've shared my thoughts with someone. That is a sense of accomplishment.
What will my rainbow be at the end of this storm? Heaven only knows. Our home will hear the sounds of a baby again. It may be our child, grandchild, niece/nephew... I don't know from who, but I have no doubt our days of cuddling babies is far from over. It's only 40 people-chill! Hopefully an angel will whisper clues in my ear as I sleep.
Be good to yourself. Embrace 40 as having both the energy to live out your finest life and the experience of getting to that point to know what you want it to be. I had a midlife crisis when I was approaching 35 and made some bad (and mad) decisions that took me 2-3 years to dig out from under. It also led me to my ultimate mission, which didn't eventually come to pass until I was nearing that 40 hurdle. Know that a LOT of people are with you in thought and prayer, even if they sometimes don't verbalize it. Rejoice in the love of Nate, Katie, Tori, Skye, and CJ and they will help you get to whatever is to come
ReplyDeleteLoosing CJ so close to my 40th was an enormous blow to my expectations of how I would be spending this year. I'm learning to let go of those expectations and open my heart to whatever may come next :)
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