Bedtime

Bedtime with little kids in the house is so different from the life I live with teenagers now.

Memories of assembly line bubble bathes and fresh little girls and clean PJs with the damp curly hair. When they were really little, running naked through the house giggling as we chased them.  By the time I was done, I was as wet as they were!  Soggy towels and carpet anywhere within 10 feet of the bathroom.  Those are precious memories.

Lately around 8 o'clock everyone vanishes. Each girl takes a ridiculous long hot shower, and still leaves a trail of wet towels and carpet. I no longer have to share a bathroom with them, so that mess is their problem. 

I still sneak into the rooms late at night.  Their pillows are still protected by a towel from wet hair. I love pushing the damp hair off of their forehead.  Taking that one quiet moment of the day to listen to them breath.

I pass the nursery on my way to our room. Sometimes I stop in to sit on the rocking chair.  I talk to CJ and tell him how much I miss him. I sing him the same song I sang his sisters while holding his blanket. There in the dark with the girls asleep, the world just seems to stand still.

I wonder if I will ever recover from this loss.  Parenting an angel is so incredibly painful. 

I held a baby boy today.  Just a few weeks older than CJ.  It wasn't emotional.  It was comforting and so familiar. 

If you have ever seen Under the Tuscan Sun, the last scene is the main character learning she had everything she wished for, just not in the form she thought it would come.  I hope that is my future. A house full of love... Or even fuller should I really say! 

#doitforcj