Chachachachange

Grief physically hurts.  It manifests itself in a way so traumatic, that the emotional response we are all so familiar with can not possibly be big enough to convey the intensity.  The overflow spills into every inch of your body.

At first, my body reacted with ridiculously high fevers.  I was cultured and tested for everything from a uterine infection to lupus.   Everything negative.  So they smacked a "fever of unknown origin" label on me, medicated me until my stomach could take no more, and waited.  I lied in a near death emotional state for days. 

I bring this up not to go back to those early dark days, but as a reminder to myself on why I get out of bed every day.

This week I had another quick bout of 104 fevers and body aches so bad I couldn't roll over in bed, let alone get out of bed.  Coincidentally, our oldest leaves for an out of state internship for 5 months this weekend.  Nervous to put my first born on a plane alone? Ummm, yes!!  But it's more than that.  I'm terrified the grief that paralyzed me will return.  Not just for our sweet little CJ, but for our family.

Life is changing.  That is EXACTLY God's plan for us.  But with change comes reminders of who is missing.  I could easy crawl back into my hole and refuse to let me kids explore, contemplate, and experience life.  They love me so much that they would stay still until I was ready to move forward.  But that's not God's plan.  He wouldn't send us so many exciting opportunities if he didn't want us to take chances.

So this weekend i'm using the love of our gorgeous kids as a bandaide on my heart.  My body aches with pain with this new chapter starting, but I know it will subside.  I will put her on that plane with a smile and a tear (or two).  I will #doitforcj