Words I have heard over and over. "Be gentle with yourself" has been the advice of so many parents who have been through this nightmare. I honestly don't think I understood those words until very recently.
Right after we lost CJ, NOTHING WAS GENTLE. Every aspect of life was like salt into a wound. Life dared to expect me to live again. Every step, every breath, every thought... Every moment took every ounce of courage I had. Over and over I heard "be gentle with yourself". My life became long days in front of the TV. Not really watching anything, but staring at the screen while my mind ran crazy. I didn't do anything all day. How much more gentle could I possibly be with myself?
I'm writting this from a bubble bath on my phone. Candles are lit, and the bubbles are nice and warm. I can see out a window as snow clouds are drifting in (again). The wind is picking up and sounds are getting louder. But I'm allowing myself time to regenerate. Sitting quietly in the warmth and enjoying myself.
I get it now. The pain is there, but i'm allowing myself to let it go a bit. Even if it's just for the duration of the bubbles. Taking these few selfish moments in the middle of the day reminds me that it's ok to put the burden down. To be gentle with myself.
I'm off to soak and watch out my window for a bit. I hope you all can take a few moments to be gentle with yourself and put your burdens down for a few moments. #doitforcj
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