CJ's story

What could possibly be more surprising then a positive pregnancy test when you have 3 daughters who were at the time 20, 15 &13?  After so many years of wishing for more children, God decided to have a good laugh and answer our prayers at what would seem the most ridiculous time.  We had put the majority of our life into storage, moved into a 2 bedroom rental (3kids, 2 adults, 2 dogs...) and prepared to build what we thought was our dream house. The reasonable thing to do? Scrap every plan, look for a bigger house in a better community for a small child, and prepare for a whole new life! HA!!  Maybe not reasonable, but the path we were about to take.

We nervously announced our newest addition.  Not nervous that we could possibly loose him.  While you THINK you have that worry, you have no clue of the reality.  We were more nervous on the reaction we would get to adding to our family after all of those years.  Our girls?  Well, while we fielded comment after comment on how upset they must have been, they were elated.  From the moment they guessed before we could even tell them, CJ was celebrated with screams, hugs, and tears.  

A history of preclampsia and 3 induced labors had everyone nervous.  Then a small arrhythmia.   A few days of bedrest, several medication changes, and everything seemed to be looking up.  I was being closely followed by my ob as well as high risk fetalmaternal medicine.  Biweekly ultrasounds, weekly doctor appointments.  Eventually I had to leave my ridiculously stressful job.  I was labeled "disabled, high risk, ama " That last one- Advanced Maternal Age- annoyed me to death!  But we were so happy.  Barely getting by as we waited for my disability to be approved, settling into a new house in a new school district, and counting the days until CJ would join us!

2 weeks left.  I was exhausted, but doing well.  That morning we went to the new high schools to find the kids' classrooms/lockers... I remember taking a seat in the lunchroom and leaving the insanity to my husband.  I felt ok, just tired.  We left straight from there for an ultrasound appointment at the high risk office.  At the last minute, I told me husband to take the girls next door for lunch.  I would be fine alone. The ONLY ultrasound I went to alone.  Within moments, I knew,  The screen showed no heartbeat.

I never heard the words "I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat".  The tech didn't have the compassion to just say the words.  She left me without a word to find a doctor.  He also never said the words.  He just continued the ultrasound while babbling about fluid around CJ's heart, what my options for delivery were, asking me ridiculous questions like if I had a rash... all things that just didn't matter.  My son was dead and nobody was saying the words. 

I'm sharing this because without knowing where we have been, how can you possibly understand where we are going?  Pausing here while I refill my coffee cup and compose myself.  Telling this story for the first time in print is exhausting as well as healing.

Some moments we will keep to ourselves.   Nate joining me in the ultrasound room, telling our girls, preparing for the hospital.  That afternoon is just too much to relive.

I was admitted to the hospital Nate works to be induced.  Let THAT sink in.  I also used to work there.  It was incredibly comforting to recognize almost every employee we came into contact with, yet horrifying to see the look of pain in their eyes.  Our girls, my parents and sister arrived soon after we did and were in the room, and eventually my mother in law, sis in law and niece would also arrive and remain in the waiting room.  I made the decision to labor and deliver.  My doctor was willing to do a c-section, but Nate gently led me away from it.  He knew I wanted to hold him and spend the bit of time I could with my son.  Besides- he was still my son, not something to be cut out of me.  I owed him as well as myself the chance to deliver him.

The next morning, August 13, 2013, I finally delivered CJ in an eerily quiet room.  Just Nate, a nurse, and my doctor.  No machines beeping,  no excited/anxious tones.  Just the 4 of us, lots of tears, and a true labor of love while I delivered my sweet little boy butt first.  3 lbs 10 oz.  My heart was screaming to God for a miracle.  He was so beautiful.  

The girls were all able to hold their brother, whisper secrets, and give him kisses.  So did his grandparents.  Our priest arrived right after his birth and baptized him wrapped in the same gown all of his sisters wore at their baptisms.  There are a few pictures taken by a nurse, footprints on cardstock and a footprint in clay.  That is all we left the hospital with.  After our brief few moments with him, CJ was gone. 

CJ was laid to rest 2 days later in our church cemetery.   You would think that is where my story ends, but the reality is that it has just begun.  From that point forward, we would #doitforcj

-Jen