I wish I was making this next story up. I still haven't decided if it was God's way of comforting me, or the devil rubbing my nose into his hate. I'll let you decide...
I had a room full of love and support when it was time to be discharged from the hospital. My parents, sister, Nate, and the kids were all there trying to keep my spirits up as the time loomed closer and I became anxious to go home.
Finally my discharge was complete. My support group of 7 people walked protectively with my wheelchair to the lobby. I kept my eyes down in an attempt to not make eye contact with any of the hospital employees who knew us too well. My husband ran for the car while everyone kept me company by the front door.
I glanced a bit to the right and sitting on the floor next to my chair was CJ's carseat. Well, an identicle one. And strapped inside that seat was a tiny newborn baby boy wearing an outfit I had at home waiting for CJ. This beautiful hispanic newborn baby boy was like looking at a ghost.
The tears came too quickly as my family caught what I was looking at and took me out of the building.
How could my God be so cruel? My sobs on the ride home were haunted. I was realizing that I would spend the rest of my life looking for my son in every infant seat I saw. How was I every going to live through this nightmare?
Since that day I've thought of that baby often. If my daughter didn't confirm it had happen, I would swear I was hallucinating. But why?
I still don't have the answer. Dreams of twin girl babies have been a comfort (accept the odd part where my husband is walking around the house trying to find the one he put down somewhere!) Christmas brought the suckerpunch of baby news cruely shared on my first holiday without my son. I have watched 2 other sweet women rejoice in pregnancy announcements to be heartbroken soon after by loss. Was that infant a way of preparing me for all of these experiences? I will never know.
So I'm going to try to accept that baby as my first sign of hope. I have heard from many women who can not be around a baby for years after a loss. Others who become obsessed with conceiving as if it will be their only chance of healing their broken heart. Both I can relate to and fear my own life can easily mirror if I allow it. While the tears still fall and my heart still aches, I'll leave my hope in a God who will heal us. His path for me is unknown, but if He can allow this hope to fill my heart, who am I not to accept it?
Tomorrow I see my obgyn. She is a kind women who had cried and prayed with me through this entire story. That office is never easy to visit for me. I always manage to be in a waiting room packed with very pregnant women. I have a lot of questions for her, many which feel like I am sneaking behind God's back to get a sneak peak at our future. Please send me prayers for strength and acceptance of a future full of unknown possibilities. One day at a time I'll #doitforcj !
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