Fairytails...

Even knowing our sweet CJ had Down Syndrome, my daydreams of what life would be like with him here on earth are purely fairytale.

I picture a cherub faced toddler with his sisters'dark curls, daddy's big dark eyes, and my fair skin (compared to the rest of my household!) wearing denim overalls and a baseball hat happily playing in our backyard in the perfect sandbox my husband would build.  His cheerful demeanor and sweet disposition would have him occasionally smiling over at me as he drove his trucks through the sand.  I can clearly pictures him at his highchair with the family at mealtime.  Jabbering away as toddlers do.  Grinning at his family as we interact with him.  My days would be filled with long stroller walks, quiet snuggles in his rocking chair, and moments of simple wonder.

The reality is while CJ would have filled our lives with incredible joy, he had Downs.  I was about to embark on a journey of raising a child with special needs.  A journey that would have probably included doctors, therapists, and countless battles by his over zealous mom in an educational system still experimenting with these special children.  There would have been disappointment and heartache watching my son struggle to teach milestones so far behind when his sister's did. 

But in all these struggles would have been so much joy.  Raising CJ would teach us patience. Lessons of acceptance, perseverance, simplicity, and tolerance.  And of course we would have been tested as a family in our faith.

You see, I didn't just have a son.  Christian is an extraordinary angel.  All children come with lessons to learn.  Our little boy came with blessings to teach.

I will never understand why God choose us to parent such a special child.  And I definitely will never understand why we only get to as angel parents.  It's on my list of questions to ask God when I join CJ  in heaven.  Then again, with an eternity to spend with him finally materializing, I doubt it will matter.

I think I'll try to focus on the struggles a bit more instead of the fairytail.  Life is messy! Living those messy bits brings the real joy.  Maybe daydreaming about frustrating moments trying to communicate with my child, heartbreak watching him try to assimilate to a world that struggles with differences, and a lifetime of sleepless nights as I worried about his future will help me get to know CJ better.  Including all of the love and happiness he would have brought us along with struggles.

As for the image of my beautiful boy in overalls, baseball hat and cherub smile?  I'm holding onto that!  I hope heaven has plenty of toy trucks!  #doitforcj