Eventually the reality that I was missing out on life starting to set in. My son died. It was so incredibly unfair. God and I had some serious issues, yet I was nowhere near ready to deal with that. Actually my soul was already in God's hands- I didn't have the strength to fight. It was the reason I was still breathing. But I was hell bent on not giving Him any credit.
I'm not going to drag everyone through the stages of grief. We all know them. They are crap. I read everything I could trying to chart my progress. It turns out it doesn't work that way. Those f@€?ing steps come at you randomly and change without warning.
So my reading and another session of yelling at a priest led me to examine the 7 virtues- specifically the 3 theological virtues. Faith, Hope, and Charity.
Stay with me- I promise this is not turning into a Catholicism lesson!
Hope in particular. I started to look at hope as something in abundance. Hope is everywhere in everything. I was looking for something that I am completely surrounded by. I stopped searching, and started accepting.
The tears still come out of nowhere. Those crappy stages of grief still sneak up on me, but the intensity has dwindled. Some days breathing hurts more than I can describe. Other days triggers can sideswipe me back to those first horrible days.
This journey is far from over. One beautiful little boy had changed me in ways yet to be seen. For now I'm going to keep working on accepting hope. And in the mean time I'll continue to share this journey. My #1 priority is to LIVE my life. I WILL #doitforcj
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