Dear God,

Dear God,

You owe me.  And we are not talking green traffic lights or even a winning lottery ticket.  You owe me my son.

I'm not asking you to replace him. We both know that is impossible.  Every one of our children are such unique, beautiful gifts.  None could ever be replaced.  You could never bless me with anything that could replace the love I have in my heart for CJ.  Any child we are entrusted with can never be forgotten. 

So when I say you owe me, those words are purely a plea, not a demand as they may seem.  It's easier to be mad at you right now. the alternative of being submissive is terrifying. I'm not ready to put my guard down yet.

Someone recently said to me " God didn't kill your son."  I almost replied that you didn't save him either. But mid sentence I realized that is exactly what you did.  He is saved.

So maybe we are even.  I don't think my heart will come to terms with that until I get to hold my son again.  But just knowing I am promised an eternity with CJ keeps my heart from blocking you out.  I hope some day soon I can pray to you openhearted instead of growling at you in anguish. 

Until then, you owe me!

CJ's mom